When humans bought into the illusion of being separate from Source, we literally put our soul in a cage and threw away the key. Thus historically, for the divine to be fully expressed through any human has been rare. However, in this New Energy time we are living in, the divine wants to be let out of its cage. It’s tired of being silenced. The unconditional love of the divine has never had much of a chance to be seen or experienced by any human. All of us on a soul level are tired of living with conditional love and the time has come to change our love consciousness.
However, because the divine has been inside a cage for so long, we all have pent up emotions about this. Deep down a part of us wants to roar like a lion because we feel confined and boxed into a relatively unauthentic life we’ve created. We certainly do not feel free. From what I’ve learned about my previous lives, I realize now how valuable it can be to have the awareness that we are indeed eternal beings who have chosen to visit this planet on a number of occasions. Having such awareness provides the understanding that some, if not all of our emotional aspects probably have their roots in prior lifetimes. In most cases these aspects can be resolved without knowing the past life details. Just knowing you are not your aspects and that for whatever reason you carry unwanted emotions, you can choose to have compassion for them and invite them home. You may find that the divine aspect of you may give you some understanding as to how or why you created your aspects but if this doesn’t happen it means you don’t need to know. Remembering who you are and bringing home your aspects is the only thing you are responsible to accomplish in this life.
As it became easier to identify with the compassionate me whenever an aspect showed up, integration began to occur more quickly than it ever had before. This is one of the benefits of the New Energy. To give you an example of what I mean, I will share a powerful experience I had one day that brought into my awareness how I had created certain aspects in past lives. This experience came within a larger experience I was having in which my soul was teaching me about what I call the “need to be right” issue, which is another way the mind uses to stay in control over the heart. This larger experience began one day when a blue jay showed up in my yard and hung around for awhile, which is unusual, so I felt it was there to bring me a message. Nature definitely communicates with each other and there is much we can learn from observing it. Later I looked up the symbolic meaning of the blue jay in Ted Andrews book, Animal-Speak, and found these words:
The bright blue crest of the jay should always be a reminder that to wear the crown of true mastership requires dedication, responsibility, and committed development in all areas in the physical and spiritual. The blue jay is a reminder to follow through on all stages-to not start something and then leave it dangling.
Shortly after reading this I posted the following comment about being a master on Facebook and received a response from someone who had triggered me in the past: “A master has compassion for all, but most especially for himself. He knows that he can only make a choice to let go of something that no longer serves him when he’s truly ready and all craving to be free of it before this is futile. Patience with himself is his greatest virtue.” True or not, my perception of this person was that they have an energy that wants to battle in order to prove they’re right. Of course, I knew I wrote this person into my script so I could be shown that I have this same nature in me, because their response had once again triggered me. I chose to go out to my back porch and dance. As I began dancing, a woman on Facebook who I also feel has a need to be right popped into my mind. She too has triggered me in very much the same way and suddenly some recent words of hers came to mind, which added to the aspects I was already feeling. So there I was, dancing while feeling a lot of anger towards these two individuals.
Realizing these two represent for me my own need to be right aspects, I suddenly remembered how I sent love once from my heart to a woman I was working with at a factory who also was triggering me and it completely changed the dynamics of our relationship so that this woman, who had been notorious for accusing me of not doing my job, actually complimented me. I decided while I was dancing that I would do the same thing towards these two individuals. I began visualizing them and added myself into the visual. I sent love and compassion to the three images. Soon I began to cry while still dancing and holding this image. Suddenly a sparrow landed a few feet from me and boldly pecked around in the grass for a few moments despite the fact that I was moving quite swiftly. Later I looked up the sparrow in Andrew’s book and found these words: “The sparrow will show you how to survive. It will awaken within you a new sense of dignity and self-worth, helping you to triumph in spite of outer circumstances.” Andrews also indicated the sparrow served as an inspiration for peasants and lower classes in Europe during the middle ages because they heard of tales in which, “the insignificant sparrow triumphed over such powerful enemies as wolves, bears, and eagles-the traditional symbols of nobility and those who mistreated the peasants.”
These words gave me a lot of inspiration because I felt what I was doing was triumphing over what had been my perceived enemy-the aspects of me that need to be right. These aspects have caused me untold suffering in the past. I was using love and compassion to do it and I felt this was the unfinished business that was still left dangling in my spiritual work. A little later the blue jay showed up over on the side of yard while I was still going through this visual process. I felt it was there to remind me to follow through with this process until I had completely integrated this need to be right aspect so I continued until I felt at peace. I thanked these two individuals for showing up as a gift in order for me to come to terms with these aspects of me I had yet to completely integrate.
There was still more inner work to do however. Near the end of May 2011, a few weeks before having this dancing experience, a woman I met on Facebook sent me an e-mail indicating she was interested in becoming friends. I wasn’t sure exactly what that meant but I liked the fact that she didn’t trigger me-that was new. I didn’t feel she wanted to save me or use me and that was a breath of fresh air considering my track record with women. Still, there was a subtle voice inside that was gently telling me it wasn’t what I really wanted to do. The thing is, an aspect of me so very much wants to love and be loved by a woman and this particular aspect didn’t really want to listen to this inner voice. We started writing each other every day but perhaps because of my inner voice, I kept an emotional distance to an extent. However, after a few weeks I told her I really appreciated her and with that comment, I knew I was opening my heart to her on a new level. On the other hand, this immediately triggered several aspects that felt threatened. The bazaar thing was that there was no talk of anything other than friendship but I realize now, just opening myself up to her at all felt unsafe. I felt my freedom being threatened because I was projecting potentials onto the relationship that weren’t there, such as having some day to do things with her that I didn’t want to do. I’d done that while following Moon when I was involved with the Unification Church for 23 years, both for the sake of Moon’s mission and to please my wife. These were the aspects that were threatened by me opening up but this was all illusion.
I admit that to a degree I fell victim to these aspects for a few days by identifying with them, which only fanned the flames of their issue all the more and I even let her know what I was feeling, which freaked her out somewhat because she felt I was projecting my issues onto her, which was indeed true. This caused me to dig deep into my soul asking questions. I demanded to be shown the truth about this relationship-do I want to be in it or not? I also asked for a level of compassion that would allow me to integrate even the worst of these angry, insecure aspects. I’d had a history of allowing these aspects to rise up and push me around-like having a mutiny within my own inner being, and I was tired of experiencing this.
Several amazing things occurred the very next day. In the morning I was browsing through Facebook and came across a Yahoo! News article posted by a woman about a dog that had refused to leave a Jewish courtroom despite several attempts to drive it out. One of the judges then remembered a curse the court had passed down upon a secular lawyer who had insulted the judges twenty years before. The court had asked God to put the spirit of this lawyer into a dog, an animal considered impure by traditional Judaism. Clearly still offended, this judge sentenced the animal to death by stoning by local children. In her post this woman was offended by this judge’s action and one of her friends was in essence condemning the judge. I commented that such response is the reason why it exists but this only caused more condemnation to come from both these women. After a few posts back and forth between them and myself, I was compelled to write a long comment in which I invited these women to find compassion for this judge, that such compassion is what we are all being called by the divine to develop within our hearts at this time.
My post had the effect of completely shifting the energy. This woman wrote that she agreed with me but felt shame for such behavior by humans and her friend wrote that she agreed violence is not a solution. I then invited this woman to release the shame because it didn’t fit her beautiful energy, which I could feel radiating from her picture. She e-mailed me after this, telling me her heart hurt trying to understand why such behavior by humans exists but that my words were like balsam to her. She sent me much love and expressed she was truly thankful I was her friend. This other woman wasn’t a Facebook friend so I requested to become one. She right away accepted and in an e-mail she too sent her love to me. I was deeply moved by this experience and it occurred to me that my words had empowered these two women to choose compassion over hate. Because of my words, they were now able to more easily identify with their own compassionate nature. This felt wonderful.
What happened next truly amazed me. I was out on a walk and a vision came to me so strongly. I saw myself as a soldier, with several other men and we were about to rape a woman. The other men had her arms and legs secured and I had taken a knife and opened up her shirt and ripped off any clothing that was covering her lower parts. She had a gag in her mouth and was squirming like crazy and I was trying to calm her down, encouraging her to relax and enjoy the experience. Then I proceeded to enter her sexually. As this vision unfolded I felt strongly this was a past life experience and was in fact why I have not been able to have sex with a woman in this life. My Angelic Team once told me that when I was born I came in with an implant of sorts that said if I ever attempt to use sexuality for my own gain, I would sabotage the experience. This statement could not be more accurate to explain what’s happened in all my attempts to be sexual with women. As a person who has a great desire to experience sexual pleasure, this has been extremely frustrating at times to say the least.
My Angelic Team also told me I have had several lifetimes in which I abused women. So not only have women abused and used me (which my Angelic Team also told me), I’ve done the same to them. Suddenly more pieces of the puzzle about me were falling in place. I now understood that I created fearful, hurting and angry aspects when I chose to allow myself to be abused by women but because of this, I also allowed some of these aspects to extract revenge against women, thereby creating a whole new set of angry, revengeful aspects. After this rape vision it occurred to me that part of what is necessary for my healing in this lifetime is that I empower women. I felt it was no coincidence that this realization came on the same day I had just empowered two women to choose love over hate.
Having an understanding that what’s taking place in our current life is without a doubt connected to past life karma can take away the frustration that often goes along with not being able to accomplish the things we think we want to accomplish. Acceptance that we’re responsible as the creator for what is happening to us is required of course, as well as a commitment to have appreciation and compassion no matter what because even if you don’t know any details at all about your previous lives, regardless of what you did or didn’t do in them, having appreciation and compassion is always what’s required to bring aspects home.
After this experience I asked my soul if there will ever come a time when I will be able allow myself to get intimate with a woman and received a yes, but not until there’s no longer any agenda because I have a tendency to attempt to control women, which occurs because I keep myself under control. I need to trust my intuition more rather than listening to the mind, which if it had its way, would always have me maintain the status quo. I also realized I need to become much more focused on having compassion for all the needy, craving aspects that pop up every time I see a beautiful woman because instead of inviting them home with compassion, I’ve had a tendency to identify with them, hoping that somehow I can control them in whatever way necessary in order to get them to love me. So again, I continued asking for the level of compassion that can bring these craving aspects home.
More things happened that day on my walk. I was coming around a bend when I saw a beautiful deer standing in the distance looking directly at me, as if we had arranged ahead of time for it to meet me there. I stopped and got my camera out and this deer stayed put until I was able to take several pictures of it. As soon as I finished it turned around and disappeared into the woods. A few moments later I came across a large turtle moving slowly across the trail. I’d been on that trail several times and had never seen a deer or a turtle there so I decided to look up in Andrews book about the meaning of these animals as a totem. What I found there astounded me. Regarding deer, Andrews wrote, “Are you trying to force things? Are others? Are you being too critical and uncaring of yourself? When deer show up there is an opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for you.” As for the turtle, he writes, “Are you not seeing what you should? Are you not hearing what you should?…too much, too soon, can upset the balance. Turtle reminds us that all we need for all that we do is available to us, if we approach it in the right manner and time.”
When combined, these two messages confirmed for me exactly what I was feeling about trying to make the relationship with this woman on Facebook work. As I stated, from the moment she invited me into it my inner voice told me it wasn’t what I really wanted but I allowed the aspect of me that wanted an intimate friend to trump my inner wisdom. Yet, every choice is always perfect, for indeed the soul is always at work. I was trying to force a relationship that I wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t listening to my heart and in order to understand this, it was valuable for me to continue with the relationship. The reason I wasn’t ready for this relationship is because I still have not brought home these controlling aspects. To get intimate with a woman is no different than getting intimate with my soul. You can’t have one without the other. As long as I keep myself under control, I’m not going to be able to flow with where my soul wants to take me. This is why I felt my freedom being threatened by this woman. I was imagining having to compromise myself to do things just to please her but the truth is, when love is unconditional, it has no need to control the moment. It accepts what is. Perhaps a different choice is desired but what’s happening in the moment is not a threat because there is no need to control.
The deer and turtle showed up to invite me to stop trying to force a relationship when I still need to be more caring and loving with myself. Too much too soon was upsetting the balance and my aspects were responding by wreaking emotional havoc. Both were teaching me there is still opportunity to express gentle love that will open new doors to adventure for me. Everything is in service to me and will show up when I approach it in the right manner and time-in other words, allow it without trying to force anything.
With this understanding, I couldn’t deny it was time to let this woman go. After telling her about my fears, our e-mails started to express drama but I quickly realized I wanted no part of that. As with the two who had triggered me before, I went out and danced, visualizing sending love from my heart to hers. At one point my visual shifted and instead of her, I saw myself. I was lifting myself up and twirling myself around as love was flowing from me to me. It was a dynamic experience and it helped me to release any need to be right. I was making the choice to let her go based on my desire to love me and had no need for her to understand that. At the same time, she had her own issues and I had no need to be for her whatever it was she wanted me to be. After that dance I no longer had any emotional attachment to this relationship.
Seven years ago I allowed myself to get into a relationship with a woman because I thought she at long last was my ticket to experiencing fulfilling sex. When that didn’t happen my need to control her and myself literally destroyed any hope of maintaining the relationship while learning to love myself. No doubt some couples help each other grow but this isn’t possible when there’s a strong need to maintain control. This ties into the need to be right as well. It’s the same thing, the need to control so that I’m always right. That relationship seven years ago lasted exactly three and a half months. Amazingly, this new relationship lasted exactly 24 days, or three and a half weeks! Of course, it really wasn’t much of a relationship at all but I am very grateful that it didn’t develop into anything more. In both cases, I wasn’t really following my heart. My soul is beckoning me into getting intimate with me and until that occurs, no relationship with another is ever going to work.
The day after the relationship ended was the Summer Solstice, which to some is a time to raise energy for healing as well as strengthening the sense of being part of nature, not separate but interconnected in a larger whole. As it turns out, nature continued to show up to guide me while I was dancing that day. A blue jay again landed and hung around and later I could hear a crow cawing high up in the pine trees that surround the back yard of my house. According to Andrew’s book, another reason the blue jay shows up is to “indicate that you are moving into a time where you can begin to develop the innate royalty that is within you, or simply be a pretender to the throne.” I knew this meant I needed to drop all need to look outside myself and place my focus more than ever on melding with my soul. As far as the crow showing up, Andrews explains that, “the cawing out of the crow should remind us that magic and creation are cawing out to us every day.”
Amazingly, on the Solstice I did feel a tremendous amount of magic in the air. That day I was overflowing with love and appreciation, more so than I had ever experienced before. In the morning I took my guitar to have some work done on it and then drove 25 miles south to another city so I could shop at a specialty grocery store. Even though the air conditioning was out in my car and it was 95 degrees (that’s about 37 degrees Celsius) and very humid, I loved every minute of it. Clouds appeared and I knew they showed up in service to me so that without the sun the breeze blowing into my car felt a bit cool since my windows were down while driving on the highway. On the way back I stopped to take a hike on a nature trail and continued to feel an enormous amount of joy and appreciation for life. When I returned I went to an electronic store and bought a DVD player. The home I’m staying in, owned by my brother, has an old analog 27-inch TV that I wasn’t using and it occurred to me all I needed to watch movies on it was a DVD player. Until then I’d been watching DVD’s on my 17-inch laptop. It felt fantastic to give myself this gift. I was continually telling myself how much I love me.
My next stop was to pick up my guitar. The shop owner commented on how joyful I was. He noticed my smile from ear to ear. I was so inspired that he’d finished the job on the same day I decided to give him a tip. I began writing the check out for $60 but when I actually began writing out that amount, my hand wrote “six hundred dollars.” I was surprised and had to write a new check but when I got out to the car I realized my soul really wanted to spend $600. I was so in touch with who I am that the idea of spending lots of money was thrilling to me.
As soon as I got home I hooked the DVD player up but couldn’t get any sound to come out of the TV. I could tell this was throwing me right out of my joyful feelings. I called the company that made the DVD player, hoping they might have some idea how to resolve the issue but they didn’t. I wanted this gift I was giving myself to work out with ease and became frustrated when it didn’t. From that point on my emotions spiraled downward. Later I called my brother and found out the audio on the TV didn’t work so that meant I needed to also buy a TV, which meant spending more money, not something I had planned on. By late evening I felt numb and empty and as I reflected on the day I wondered what the hell had actually happened to cause me to allow my joy to be derailed by such aspects.
The next day I received my answer. Once again I was out dancing and I remembered that the day before on the way home from the guitar shop I had seen a sign on the outside of an auto repair shop that was advertising a low price to get an AC recharge. As I thought of calling this place to make an appointment-another gift I could give myself, a fearful aspect showed up. The idea of spending more money on myself was a threat to this aspect. Immediately I realized this was due to all those lifetimes, including the present one, in which I carried such a strong belief that giving things to yourself is selfish and God doesn’t like people to be selfish. This belief was that you have to sacrifice yourself for others, or in essence suffer, in order to please God. As much as I wanted to believe I had already released such a belief, there it was in my face again and it was the explanation for why I had lost my joy the night before. The idea of having to spend more money on me to buy a TV had triggered the fear of God’s wrath.
As I was dancing I tried to imagine sending love to this aspect but I knew I needed to do more than that. I decided it was time to declare my truth loud and clear. I roared like a lion, “I am that I am and I choose to be abundant. I created these belief systems because at the time they served me but they no longer serve me and I hereby declare myself free of them. I invite these aspects to come home but if they don’t want to come they can hit the road because I’ve had enough of the belief that I’m not worthy of experiencing pleasure. The belief that God doesn’t want his children to enjoy themselves is bullshit and I release this belief NOW! The idea that I have to just barely get by financially, the belief that I can’t enjoy myself sexually with a woman, the belief that I can’t enjoy myself driving a nice sports car that has AC, all these beliefs are old energy and I no longer choose them!” I went on for awhile, shouting at the top of my lungs. I meant every word of what I was saying. When I finished I was becoming hoarse but as I continued dancing I felt peaceful, with an empty mind. Standing up and declaring who I am to all these aspects had gotten their attention. Afterwards I made some other declarations as well. I roared, “It is easy to love and trust myself. My abundance is always there exactly when I need it. Every single experience in my life is a beautiful gift. Every choice has brought me to this perfect moment. People always treat me with respect. Things just always work out somehow.” I felt strongly the truth of what I was saying.
Roaring like a lion does not mean you are battling with your aspects, pushing them away, or any such thing. What this is doing is standing up for your true soul self. Putting your foot down and saying, “I am that I am and I’ve had enough of suffering!” This is an expression that you’ve finally had enough of your tendency to allow yourself to become a victim to your aspects. So it’s a statement of clarity that you’re declaring before heaven and earth as well your entire soul being-all the different levels of the multi-dimensional you. Basically, you are making a choice on every level of your being that you are going to choose joy over suffering from now on by allowing your true soul self to be expressed. This level of choice goes out and causes a shift to occur on the soul level.